Nonstop disco pants!

I HAVE RETURNED TO YOUR INTERNETS!!!

2009-01-30T16:20:05Z

Bloody hell, look at that, I have un'all.

So, what's the skinny?

*AAAAAAUUUUOOOHHHH*

GotpromotedtomanagerofthecaféI'dbeenworkinginatthestartofJanuary2007asthecurrentmanager(agirlcalledSky)literallydidarunnerandpissedofftoFranceleavingmeastheobviousanddefaultchoiceasareplacement *AAUUOOH*IenjoyedbeingthebossupuntilOctober2008whentheownerofthecafésoldittoaguycalledPaulwhoturnedoutotbenotonlyatwofacedscumbagbutalsoacompletegitashebasicallytoldmethatifIdidn'thandinmynoticeIwouldbesacked*AAUUOHHH*thereandthensoIwasabitstunnedandshockedandsincemybrainwasreelingIagreedtoquitonlytofindthathehadnointentionofpayingme*AAAAAUUOOHHH UUUHH UUHHH AAUOH*anyofmynoticesothisbringsmetothepresentdaywhereI'mcurrentlyinthemiddleoflegalactionagainbsthimtoclaimnearenough400bloodyquidoffthetheivingshit...

PHEW!

I also got dumped by my girlfriend, which wouldn't normally be too much of a problem, or even really worth mentioning, except that I was living with her in her flat, so not only was I unemployed but I was also suddenly rendered homeless. SO! Now I'm back in Scunthorpe staying with my parents, which is sending me mental.
It's not all self-pitying doom n gloom though, fact fans!
I have written a novel! I'm currently in the midst of trying to get it published, and have had one ace reply so far: an editor said it was "original, unusual and extremely well-written" and we entered into email correspondance for a month or so, as there was a decent chance I'd get published. Unfortunately, his manager deemed my work to be "too difficult to market" which is kind of fair enough as it's a strange thing I've made, but still disappointing. The company was Bloody Books, too, and they've had Ramsey Campbell as a kind of spokesperson, which is amazing. I framed the initial letter the editor sent me as a 'you can do it' type of trophy haha.
I also recorded a follow up album as Attack of the 70ft Bitch (www.myspace.com/mr1995) and cds with Knives of Death (www.myspace.com/knivesofdeath) and Black Jack Ketchum (myspace.com/blackjackketchumuk). I do KoD with Ben Walker (I think he's still on LJ somewhere) and we're noisy garage rock. BJK are sludgey skronk rock with electrojazz flavours!

AND I think that pretty much brings you all up too speed. I'm hoping to go to uni after summer to start a teaching course in English with Media Studies, but in the meantime I'll try and make the most of being back home with my friends. VIVA LE IMP!

babies4feet @ 2006-11-10T18:14:00

2006-11-10T17:14:24Z

So anyway

2006-10-25T23:18:27Z

I was in the takeaway tonight after band practice, with my guitar on my back, when this lad comes up to me and goes "I play guitar sometimes in the Arctic Monkeys" and I said "so are you the reason they're rubbish?"

whoops

2006-10-24T19:54:30Z

I somehow, at some point, went a bit mental at my girlfriend, a result of which is that she's actually scared to tell me she loves me, or even use the word. I have no idea what I said!!!

HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TRIUMPHANT RETURN TO GENERIC LIVEJOURNAL ENTRIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PREPARE FOR GIGANTIC DEATH!

2006-10-17T18:57:17Z

WOTCHA!
Not much of any real interest to report, save that I've got this entire week off work, and it also just so happens to be the week that some builders or something are round early in the morning, in the cellar, drilling and godknowswhat right under my damn bed. So long, week of much-needed relaxation!
To console myself I bought a bunch of PS2 games and a JLA comic, which is rather enjoyable. Oh wait, was that an unintentional pun back there? Why yes I think it was.
In other news, I watched HOSTEL, which was enjoyable, if overhyped, and it has a crap ending - in that it doesn't really have an ending. But this was tempered by watching MORTUARY, the latest Tobe Hooper film. It has a Lovecraft theme and vomiting zombies!
But wait, what's THIS?!?!?!? ----->

I recently wrote and recorded an entire album in less than 24 hours. The name I choose for this project was ATTACK OF THE 70FT BITCH. The styles vary from naff dirty techno to heavy guitar, er, techno. It's been described as 'Alec Empire on Vimto' by my chum Kati, and makes her laugh. Which is fine by me. I've made the whole thing available as a free download.

WHAT?!?!?!?!

That's right, freaks. You can hear the AOT7FB album (named 'Colin Williams') in all it's 27 minute glory by downloading the zip file from here: http://www.filefactory.com/file/49f09c/

As befitting an album written and recorded in around 12 hours (!) I've knocked up some shit artwork. You can see it here: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v204/babies4feet/AOT7FBalbumcover.jpg and here: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v204/babies4feet/AOT7FBalbumcoverback.jpg

Full tracklist:
We Are The Bitch And We Own You
The World's Tallest Midget
Matthew Kelly Is Not A Paedophile But He Does Like Little Boys
Your Baby Is Broken
If You Touch Me I Will Kick You In The Face
When The Sun Sets The Ocean Catches On Fire
Sex In A Canoe
Drunk On Domestos/Fucked-Up On Marzipan
Dustbins For Daddy

HOWZAT!

Keep an eye out for the follow-up record 'Fucks Your Mother'. Which will probably happen pretty soon too hahha. I have a surplus of song titles that need using up, you see.

Seeya all again in THE FUTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BOB HOLNESS'S CONDIMENT OF THE WEEK

2006-10-03T21:10:59Z

Hi! I'm Bob Holness, and it's time for my CONDIMENT OF THE WEEK!

THIS WEEK:

Brakes Bros. Mayonnaise

Caterers to the stars, including me, Brakes supply a wide variety of foodstuffs that just beg to be put in our mouths. Unfortunately for them, their mayonnaise, whilst being low in fat, is also sadly low in taste. I decided to go for broke and mixed some of this with a bit of chicken my wife Valerie bought from Morrisons for me, and merciful heavens, it was the most boring combination in the universe. I thought that perhaps one of England's leading foodstores had lucked out, so I had a big spoonful of just the mayonnaise. I couldn't stop being sick for about 20 minutes. Not due to the taste of the mayonnaise, but rather sick in disgust as how godawful it is.
It is thick to the point of gloop, a highly unnatural white colour and tastes of nothing in particular at first, but soon leaves something that's more akin to a smell then a taste, lingering at the back of your throat.
Brakes rarely disappoint me, but this is abhorrent.

Bob's rating:
4/10 - I would not like to see the chickens that the eggs came out of to make this.

POW!

2006-09-30T11:58:48Z

Our cd's been reviewed, hurray!

From the Nottingham Evening Post, yesterday:

4/5
Pan Pipes From The Grave, eh? What a marvellous name for a band. Conjuring images of the eerie and the ridiculous, PPftG sound as bizarre as their name.
It was an Accident mixes huge beats and crashing cymbals with swirls of distorted background noise and buzzing buss. Melodically, the four-piece rely on sparse keyboards and throbbing guitars, fuzzy and drenched in static.
Vocally, mantras are grimaced into the mic through gritted teeth. It's not particularly comfortable listening - at times the mix of male and female vocals sounds like a demented Scissor Sisters. There are very good ideas here. The only downside among the brutal beats is a lack of dynamics.
It's all very loud and never very quiet, except on Spades. But Pan Pipes from The Grave are still a lot of fun, and that's great.

So buy one, whydontcha?!?!??!? :D
Went to the Blue Note last night, and MY GOD it's disgusting. I cannot stand the amount of kids in there and I feel proper old maoning but JESUS the state of some of them! Plus, this morning I seem to smell faintly of weed. DESPITE showering.

hot shit!

2006-09-16T09:27:20Z

I wish I could remember what the last few shots I had last night were, although something tells me it's probably for the best I don't know, given that I definitely had tequila, which makes me feel rather ill, and also incredibly angry. Much like a Mexican, I imagine. Or a dirty Spaniard.

Not much has been happening as of late; busy pimping the band *PIMP*, drinking cheap beer and getting high on spraypaint. Often all at once!

Also, what doesn't help a wonky head in the morning is going online and seeing animated gifs/banners/adverts that move up and down or side to side, especially at a certain pace. BLEEUURGHHH.

Off home to see my bro today and play him our CD, see what he thinks. I quite enjoy going to Scunthorpe now it's just more like a holiday destination - not that I would actually go there on holiday, mind. I'm not NUTS.

AAKWWY&EDWEHM

2006-09-03T23:40:47Z

Yippee! Recording on Tuesday and Wednesday at dubrek! I've pretty much lost my voice after this afternoon's band practice! I hope it returns soon!

I was in Nottingham last night! I was enjoying an evening in the company of friends! Then some sleazy friend of my girlfriend's tried to kiss her whilst I was stood with my back to her! She warned him not to do it again or they'd be trouble! Next time I see him, if she doesn't lamp him I will!

I'm rather sleepy! But I'm in one of those moods where I can't be arsed to go to bed! Perhaps I will write some music! Or go to bed! I just can't decide, so maybe I'll just sit here and see what happens!

boomshakalah

2006-08-21T17:24:46Z

Hello. It's been a while.

Apart from spending money on computer games that don't work, receiving possibly THE best birthday card off my best mate, and finding that Sainsbury's do boneless barbecue ribs with a bourbon glaze, not much has been happening. I did just spend a few minutes amusing myself by making 'myuw' noises by puckering my lips and inhaling air through the slight gap in my front teeth. I also went to the laundrette and got dubious looks off a little girl in there, who was playing on some weird educational laptop toy. I didn't want it, so I don't know why she was looking at me funny. Oh wait, it's cos I was unloading girl's pants into the washing machine.

Terrible secret!!!

2006-08-08T17:57:11Z

in that it was gonna be a big fake "who's this?!?!" but I've already broadcast it to a number of people and really wanted to tell everyone about this, as it's amazing hahaha

Ok, as you may have read on here a short while ago, I've made a new musical project up called NAZI DISCO PARTY. Here's our myspace.

Now, I recommend you at least read the page first so you can see what I'm trying to do with NDP.

Done that?

Really?

Are you sure?

Right, I'll continue:
I received two messages from two of NDP's 'friends'. The second was basically a reiteration of the first so I'll just post the first one. This is from 'carl' on my friends list:

hey guys im keeping your word about spreading the word about your band. today, me and couple freinds downloaded all four of your songs and burned them onto a cd. then went up to the local walmart and put the cd in the car sterior systems they have and blasted it! we ran out of there fast and all you could here was "NAZI NAZI DISCO PARTY" in the entire store.. good stuff

Isn't that just ACE?!?!?!? I'm taking the piss with NDP but it seems (or at least i kind of hope) I could turn it into something...bigger. We'll see. Anyway, for now: PEAS OUT ahhh woop woop woop

CAN'T YOU FEEL IT?!?!?!?

2006-08-07T21:29:15Z

Fancy Octopus Rice!

2006-08-06T19:33:01Z

Ingredients:

Tin of octopus from Sainsbury's.
Uncle Ben's Express sweet n spicy rice.

Drain and boil the octopus for 30-45 minutes.
Stick the rice in the microwave for 2mins.

Drain the octopus and mix with the rice. Try and ignore the fact that the rice smells hideous. EAT!

Verdict: has the potential to make an interesting tea, but turns out to be pretty rank. That's two teatimes in one week I've ruined. Luckily this catastrophe only cost me about £3, but it's three quid I'm sticking straight in the bin. Leads to deliberation concerning another visit to Blockbuster, but no ice cream this time. Just a film. Considers getting fish n chips. Opts for this over wandering down to the video store and spending £3 Whatever Pence. Has a couple of fairly new PS2 games to try anyway. Wonders if trying to talk himself out of getting a video via typing in a livejournal indicates a need for personal contact. Disparages these remarks with a smilie - >_< - and ends his entry, resolutely certain that the chippy round the corner WILL be open and QUITE NICE.

As a parting shot, asks his sexy readers to add VENUE B on myspace, as that'd be really gee golly swell. Over n out. N over.

The World's Most Boring Recipe

2006-08-02T18:30:11Z

Cook some rice. Do whatever it is you do to it that makes it go sloppy.

Cook some chicken. Keep taking it out the oven to make sure it's cooked, therefore extending it's cooking time by a completely unneccesary amount.

It's very important to forget to add a marinade to the chicken before you cook it, so you have to have plain chicken.

Combine the two foodstuffs. Add some mild chilli powder to the rice to 'spice' it up a bit. Realise this just makes it taste like you're licking a fork.

Stop eating it as you come to the conclusion that, whilst not entirely without taste, it's a pretty disgusting meal. Decide to go rent a video from Blockbuster and buy a tub of Ben n Jerry's ice cream for your tea instead.

Top banana!

2006-07-30T21:23:53Z

My band's heading into the studio in just over a month, yippee! Was INCREDIBLY hungover all day after drinking far too much gin/aftershock/jagermeister in the pub last night with some cool Austrian people. The lad I was chatting to asked me, I swear, if the bluenote was full of "right whores", so I said "er, yes, it's usually full of pretty girls....ummm" and we got talking about techno music and I asked if he'd heard of DJ Skinhead, which straight away became a talking point about Nazis...although I did amuse him be pointing out when you say 'cheers' to someone you chink glasses. "Ahh, chink glasses, I see" he smiled. "In Austria we say cheers like this: borshat!" so borshat means cheers! in Austrian, ladies and gentleman, hurray!

So where was I? Oh yes, wrote a new song tonight that starts like a heavy, slow spy theme tune (I rip-off the Blues Brothers theme for the start of it hahaha) and cured my hangover by ROCKING OUT! Although I am now quite deaf :D

My girlfriend's off on holiday so I'm not gonna see her for 2 weeks. Feels weird being in a position where I'm involved with someone I'm actually going to miss :) on the plus side, it means I have a load more free time to write muzak, huzzah!

Wim wam bam catch me if you can IN MY PANTS!

I'm tired

2006-07-28T23:56:46Z

and a little angry. Apparently, we destroyed our last house, therefore I'm not going to get any of my £200 deposit back. Excellent.

What else? Oh yes, watched all three back to the future films back to back the other night. Funnily enough, it makes you lose all sense of time.

Also embarked on a flight of fancy which involved imagining big Hollywood blockbusters re-enacted by the characters of the main actors. For example, Independance Day's two main characters would be the Fresh Prince Of Bel Air and The Fly. Much better already!

Might be starting a doom band with some old friends, calling ourselves Whore Sugar.

Might also try and enter my current band in the battle of the bands back home, to scare the shit out of my friends and make a triumphant return to form :D

aaaahhhhhh mammories

EVERYTHING IS A O K !

2006-07-20T22:45:51Z

That's right, everything's Aok. Wuteva that means.

Had band practice tonight. Started sweating at approx. 8:30pm, and haven't stopped since. I feel/look like this:

We've decided to record a few songs properly, and I'm hoping we'll do a new song where I talk/rap then go off on a Mike Patton tangent and make screamy vocalisations for ten seconds. Or another new one in which I tell a story about blowing up women (not sex toys, you pervs) whilst been backed by full-on funky lounge music. HUZZAH!

mmmm sweaty ham and chicken sandwich

Why are you still reading this? It's time for bed! IN MY PANTS!

Dear Dairy

2006-07-17T19:19:38Z

My head feels funny. I think it's called "worrying about whether or not you should regret speaking your mind to your girlfriend and potentially scaring her off by going all Woody Allen". This is probably what it is because otherwise I wouldn't be typing about it in a bloody livejournal. It might also be this feeling's little brother "[potentially] making a big deal out of something stupid" or even his cousin "worrying for no good reason". It's a shame their friend "you're not mentally ill so stop acting like a spaz" has decided to disappear somewhere. DAMN IT.

Oh no wait it's the matriach of the clan "Allowing yourself to get worked up over something that, like situations before, have proven ridiculous to worry over, simply because of what's been said in a TEXT MESSAGE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE - I mean, don't kids talk anymore? Pick up the phone and call her, to quote/paraphrase any number of films featuring a woeful romantic entanglement. And now you've gone and used 'woeful' as an adjective! You're fueling your own pathetic fire! You damn idiot! Grow up, wouldya? Christ on a bike, it's almost enough to warrent a cheap 'stop being so emo' joke. Oh wait she's not gonna have her phone on her, and even if she did she's out with her mates and the last thing she wants is her stupid-in-the-head boyfriend calling her and making her worry about something that will probably get resolved rather quickly the next time you chat face to face in a couple of days. But can you wait that long? Well it looks like you're probably going to have to, you daft bugger."

Bloody hell, I think I've just saved myself a fortune on psychiatrist's bills.

BUGS fkkking BUGS!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-16T22:02:18Z

I thought the number one thing I hated about Summer was the omnipresent stench of hot garbage. Today I was reminded it is, in fact, FLYING ANTS. Swarms of the clumsy fat fuckers bouncing off my damn head eurghh DISGUSTING [pardon my francois]. Also, my new place has spiders in it and a few of those small fat bodied fly-things that flit about lazily until you *almost* grab them then they piss off to the other side of the room and so on. This, combined with the fact I made a complete neurotic idiot out of myself towards my missus has put a grumpy edge on the weekend, although my girlfriend told me off for being daft, which swept that nicely under the rug, the spiders can usually be caught in a tissue or sqooshed, and I'm growing fly-eating plants to combact the ariel menace, so within reason, everything should be ok. Touch wood and all that! To console myself for being a stupidhead, I'm having a go at writing naff dance music. It shall be known as:

Hurray!

ask and you shall RECEIVE!!!

2006-07-13T22:05:41Z

Wooo eeee! I've now joined THIS BAND!

That makes 1 actual band, 2 occasional improv bands, and a million self-created projects under my belt, at the moment. Plus any others that come along *WINK WINK*

Right, nothing of interest to note, so I'm off to bed IN MY PANTS!

we need more NOISE!

2006-07-12T14:43:57Z

God Has Tits appeared again last night, making Ben Walker our latest member! We played a 15/20 minute improv set at The Vic and it seemed to go down quite well, and was described as "What you'd listen to as you're waiting for the sun to come up" which was a really nice description. Then of course we ruined it by bathing the night in audio terror bwahahaha!

FIX MY DAMN WINDOW!

2006-07-10T09:35:40Z

and while you're at it, give me a washing machine and sort out my tv reception.

I'm currently digging The Paperchase - cheers Ben!

Today I shall bother my estate agents AGAIN and then I shall return home and do absolutely STUFF ALL.

Hurray!

Hello world!

2006-07-08T15:33:21Z

I'm BACK!

But not after NTL cut my broadband off and installed a new phone line in my new place - exactly the OPPOSITE of what I asked them to do, bloody idiots. So yes, here I am in my new place, yippee! Moving in last Friday, I chatted with Brandon, the aforementioned crazy neighbour. Yet more nuggets of wisdom spilled form his mush included:

"I'm sick of people using the front of this house as a car park. I wait until they've gone then slash their tyres and break the glass"

"I've had no choice but to turn vigilante"

"I'm not telling you if I'm a tenant or the landlord - a person's business is their own"

NICE IRONY THERE NUTCASE! Maybe that explains why, twice in the last week, I've returned home to find the contents of our bin strewn alongside the side of my house. Something tells me it's not super-organized foxes with a personal vendetta against me. I was more than willing to go to the council and ask for another bin, but now I'm going to also report him for illegal fly-tipping, screwy bastard. Also, it wasn't at all creepy the other evening when I was sat on my sofa reading, only to look up and see him walking past my flat looking straight in my room. Eurgh. Shame he doesn't have a livejournal, I might be able to make him feel SLIGHTLY EMBARRASED.

Ending on a high note: went to the Beer Festival on Wednesday night, got wankered. Had a band practice on Sunday night, sweated more than when I go dancing in a club. Showed my missus a few of my favourite films on Saturday night, which she enjoyed. An education in 80's horror continues tonight at 7pm!

a fuck-off groove!

2006-06-28T19:03:08Z

Today is The Big Clean. All three of us are going over the house and giving it a damn good clean. Partly to be nice to our landlady and leave the place in a state not unlike how we found it, partly so I don't lose any bloody money from my deposit, and partly (in my eyes) to show my girlfriend I'm not a scruffy tramp who rolls around in his own filth for fun.

And, is it just me, or is doing a spot of proper cleaning actually quite enjoyable?!

I've said it before and I'll say it again

2006-06-27T17:56:00Z

Joe's a cool friend but an effing lousy housemate. Returned home from work this evening to find Rainbow Brite's liquid cousin splashed all around the back door, with a corned-beef hash trail leading up the wall, living room window, and disappearing at the edge of Joe's bedroom window. How absolutely delightful. And true to form, he ashn't even tried to clean it up. I really want to go to the shop, but this means potentially stepping in the stuff, and the thought of it makes my guts churn :S

It's all fun and games until you live with the consequences, remember that kiddies. Eurgh.