Bloody hell, look at that, I have un'all.

So, what's the skinny?

*AAAAAAUUUUOOOHHHH*

GotpromotedtomanagerofthecaféI'dbeenworkinginatthestartofJanuary2007asthecurrentmanager(agirlcalledSky)literallydidarunnerandpissedofftoFranceleavingmeastheobviousanddefaultchoiceasareplacement *AAUUOOH*IenjoyedbeingthebossupuntilOctober2008whentheownerofthecafésoldittoaguycalledPaulwhoturnedoutotbenotonlyatwofacedscumbagbutalsoacompletegitashebasicallytoldmethatifIdidn'thandinmynoticeIwouldbesacked*AAUUOHHH*thereandthensoIwasabitstunnedandshockedandsincemybrainwasreelingIagreedtoquitonlytofindthathehadnointentionofpayingme*AAAAAUUOOHHH UUUHH UUHHH AAUOH*anyofmynoticesothisbringsmetothepresentdaywhereI'mcurrentlyinthemiddleoflegalactionagainbsthimtoclaimnearenough400bloodyquidoffthetheivingshit...

PHEW!

I also got dumped by my girlfriend, which wouldn't normally be too much of a problem, or even really worth mentioning, except that I was living with her in her flat, so not only was I unemployed but I was also suddenly rendered homeless. SO! Now I'm back in Scunthorpe staying with my parents, which is sending me mental.
It's not all self-pitying doom n gloom though, fact fans!
I have written a novel! I'm currently in the midst of trying to get it published, and have had one ace reply so far: an editor said it was "original, unusual and extremely well-written" and we entered into email correspondance for a month or so, as there was a decent chance I'd get published. Unfortunately, his manager deemed my work to be "too difficult to market" which is kind of fair enough as it's a strange thing I've made, but still disappointing. The company was Bloody Books, too, and they've had Ramsey Campbell as a kind of spokesperson, which is amazing. I framed the initial letter the editor sent me as a 'you can do it' type of trophy haha.
I also recorded a follow up album as Attack of the 70ft Bitch (www.myspace.com/mr1995) and cds with Knives of Death (www.myspace.com/knivesofdeath) and Black Jack Ketchum (myspace.com/blackjackketchumuk). I do KoD with Ben Walker (I think he's still on LJ somewhere) and we're noisy garage rock. BJK are sludgey skronk rock with electrojazz flavours!

AND I think that pretty much brings you all up too speed. I'm hoping to go to uni after summer to start a teaching course in English with Media Studies, but in the meantime I'll try and make the most of being back home with my friends. VIVA LE IMP!

I was in the takeaway tonight after band practice, with my guitar on my back, when this lad comes up to me and goes "I play guitar sometimes in the Arctic Monkeys" and I said "so are you the reason they're rubbish?"

I somehow, at some point, went a bit mental at my girlfriend, a result of which is that she's actually scared to tell me she loves me, or even use the word. I have no idea what I said!!!

HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TRIUMPHANT RETURN TO GENERIC LIVEJOURNAL ENTRIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOTCHA!
Not much of any real interest to report, save that I've got this entire week off work, and it also just so happens to be the week that some builders or something are round early in the morning, in the cellar, drilling and godknowswhat right under my damn bed.  So long, week of much-needed relaxation! 
  To console myself I bought a bunch of PS2 games and a JLA comic, which is rather enjoyable.  Oh wait, was that an unintentional pun back there?  Why yes I think it was.
  In other news, I watched HOSTEL, which was enjoyable, if overhyped, and it has a crap ending - in that it doesn't really have an ending.  But this was tempered by watching MORTUARY, the latest Tobe Hooper film.  It has a Lovecraft theme and vomiting zombies! 
  But wait, what's THIS?!?!?!? ----->


I recently wrote and recorded an entire album in less than 24 hours.  The name I choose for this project was ATTACK OF THE 70FT BITCH.  The styles vary from naff dirty techno to heavy guitar, er, techno.  It's been described as 'Alec Empire on Vimto' by my chum Kati, and makes her laugh.  Which is fine by me.  I've made the whole thing available as a free download.

WHAT?!?!?!?!

That's right, freaks.  You can hear the AOT7FB album (named 'Colin Williams') in all it's 27 minute glory by downloading the zip file from here: http://www.filefactory.com/file/49f09c/

As befitting an album written and recorded in around 12 hours (!) I've knocked up some shit artwork.  You can see it here: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v204/babies4feet/AOT7FBalbumcover.jpg and here: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v204/babies4feet/AOT7FBalbumcoverback.jpg

Full tracklist:
We Are The Bitch And We Own You
The World's Tallest Midget
Matthew Kelly Is Not A Paedophile But He Does Like Little Boys
Your Baby Is Broken
If You Touch Me I Will Kick You In The Face
When The Sun Sets The Ocean Catches On Fire
Sex In A Canoe
Drunk On Domestos/Fucked-Up On Marzipan
Dustbins For Daddy

HOWZAT!

Keep an eye out for the follow-up record 'Fucks Your Mother'.  Which will probably happen pretty soon too hahha.  I have a surplus of song titles that need using up, you see.

Seeya all again in THE FUTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Hi!  I'm Bob Holness, and it's time for my CONDIMENT OF THE WEEK!

THIS WEEK:




Brakes Bros. Mayonnaise

Caterers to the stars, including me, Brakes supply a wide variety of foodstuffs that just beg to be put in our mouths.  Unfortunately for them, their mayonnaise, whilst being low in fat, is also sadly low in taste.  I decided to go for broke and mixed some of this with a bit of chicken my wife Valerie bought from Morrisons for me, and merciful heavens, it was the most boring combination in the universe.  I thought that perhaps one of England's leading foodstores had lucked out, so I had a big spoonful of just the mayonnaise.  I couldn't stop being sick for about 20 minutes.  Not due to the taste of the mayonnaise, but rather sick in disgust as how godawful it is. 
  It is thick to the point of gloop, a highly unnatural white colour and tastes of nothing in particular at first, but soon leaves something that's more akin to a smell then a taste, lingering at the back of your throat.
  Brakes rarely disappoint me, but this is abhorrent.

Bob's rating:
4/10 - I would not like to see the chickens that the eggs came out of to make this.

Our cd's been reviewed, hurray!

From the Nottingham Evening Post, yesterday:

4/5
Pan Pipes From The Grave, eh?  What a marvellous name for a band.  Conjuring images of the eerie and the ridiculous, PPftG sound as bizarre as their name.
It was an Accident mixes huge beats and crashing cymbals with swirls of distorted background noise and buzzing buss.  Melodically, the four-piece rely on sparse keyboards and throbbing guitars, fuzzy and drenched in static.
Vocally, mantras are grimaced into the mic through gritted teeth.  It's not particularly comfortable listening - at times the mix of male and female vocals sounds like a demented Scissor Sisters.  There are very good ideas here.  The only downside among the brutal beats is a lack of dynamics.
It's all very loud and never very quiet, except on Spades.  But Pan Pipes from The Grave are still a lot of fun, and that's great.

So buy one, whydontcha?!?!??!? :D
Went to the Blue Note last night, and MY GOD it's disgusting.  I cannot stand the amount of kids in there and I feel proper old maoning but JESUS the state of some of them!  Plus, this morning I seem to smell faintly of weed.  DESPITE showering.

I wish I could remember what the last few shots I had last night were, although something tells me it's probably for the best I don't know, given that I definitely had tequila, which makes me feel rather ill, and also incredibly angry.  Much like a Mexican, I imagine.  Or a dirty Spaniard.

Not much has been happening as of late; busy pimping the band *PIMP*, drinking cheap beer and getting high on spraypaint.  Often all at once! 

Also, what doesn't help a wonky head in the morning is going online and seeing animated gifs/banners/adverts that move up and down or side to side, especially at a certain pace.  BLEEUURGHHH.

Off home to see my bro today and play him our CD, see what he thinks.  I quite enjoy going to Scunthorpe now it's just more like a holiday destination - not that I would actually go there on holiday, mind.  I'm not NUTS.

Yippee!  Recording on Tuesday and Wednesday at dubrek!  I've pretty much lost my voice after this afternoon's band practice!  I hope it returns soon!

I was in Nottingham last night!  I was enjoying an evening in the company of friends!  Then some sleazy friend of my girlfriend's tried to kiss her whilst I was stood with my back to her! She warned him not to do it again or they'd be trouble!  Next time I see him, if she doesn't lamp him I will!

I'm rather sleepy!  But I'm in one of those moods where I can't be arsed to go to bed!  Perhaps I will write some music!  Or go to bed!  I just can't decide, so maybe I'll just sit here and see what happens!

Hello.  It's been a while.

Apart from spending money on computer games that don't work, receiving possibly THE best birthday card off my best mate, and finding that Sainsbury's do boneless barbecue ribs with a bourbon glaze, not much has been happening.  I did just spend a few minutes amusing myself by making 'myuw' noises by puckering my lips and inhaling air through the slight gap in my front teeth.  I also went to the laundrette and got dubious looks off a little girl in there, who was playing on some weird educational laptop toy.  I didn't want it, so I don't know why she was looking at me funny.  Oh wait, it's cos I was unloading girl's pants into the washing machine.